Just Realising That I May Be Depressed

And that’s okay

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Trigger Warning: This post contains topics including depression. If you think this might be triggering, please stop reading. Your well-being is important.

I must warn you lovelies in advance that this post is not my usual style. In fact, I fear it may even become a little rambling. But do stay with me, there is method to my madness (I think).

So, first off I would like to address the fact that I have been very sporadic with my posts on Medium recently, and honestly, I have been falling down the rabbit hole of ways to berate myself for not writing. Reading articles by the plenty about how we need to write every day in order to be a writer is not helping matters either.

For you lovelies who have read some of my other posts, before you say it, I know I know, I did post an article, several in fact, about how it’s okay not to write every day, including how to get yourself into writing mode when inspiration or motivation just isn’t striking at you. Well, I do listen to my own advice most of the time.

But it turns out it’s more than lack of inspiration or motivation

Over the years I have become very good at masking. It has never been something that I have wanted to do or strive to achieve, but apparently I am very good at it. I don’t even need to try. I can sit there feeling the lowest I have ever felt, thinking I must look entirely miserable to everyone around me, and I still receive comments such as ‘you look so well and happy.’

If I tell people I am not doing very well I will often get such replies as ‘but you’ve been smiling.’

So, I guess I have just given up. I’ve given up asking for help to only be told that I look too happy to be helped. I’ve given up trying to explain to people how I feel to then be told that this can’t be right because I don’t look, depressed enough, I guess. We really need to continue talking about the fact that depression doesn’t have a look, but that is perhaps another article for another day.

Where was I? Oh yes

I think I am depressed.

I have no motivation to write. I have to force myself to eat, and I am mainly doing this out of habit, more than because I want to. I have no desire to do anything in fact. I have realised that I am just getting through each day doing what I need to do to exist.

And it’s no wonder really. Last year I was still grieving for the loss of a family member, coming to terms with being divorced, and of course, the wonderful joys of lockdown that was thrust upon us all. Cut off from being able to physically see any family and friends, teamed with working from home, I became isolated. But again, so were we all, so I should quit my complaining.

However, the thing is, I think I underestimated how all of this was affecting me. Just like Dory, I kept on swimming. Just continued going with the flow. But I suppose that’s what we have all been doing.

I am always the last to know

With blow after blow, I think I just became numb, to the endless Covid updates, looming lockdown number, I've lost count to be honest. And don’t get me started on the disappointing COP26.

I have had countless ideas for writing pieces, but the thought of actually putting these onto paper, or the screen to be exact, has just been beyond my capabilities, or my motivation, or something. I am finding it difficult to name what it is to be honest.

And so, I have been sat here day after day, wallowing in self pity, wanting to write but never actually quite making it to a complete piece that I would actually be happy to post.

I’ve become worried that I am ruining everything. I am not writing therefore my chances of actually being a writer are dwindling.

The thought hadn’t even occurred to me that I needed to check in with my own mental health.

But dear reader, today I have realised that all of this worrying isn’t helping. In fact it is probably keeping me stuck. I dread to think of all of the energy I have been using up worrying about writing, beating myself up because I am not doing enough. Which only leads to self loathing, and, oh my, here we ago around this vortex of despair.

Don’t worry, I will be okay

I’ve battled such moments in my life before, and I have come through each one of them, so I know this won’t be any different. Though, I have to admit, it really sucks being in the moment.

But I know it will pass. And I know I will write again. And when I smile it will be genuine.

And I know that while I am not feeling okay right now, that’s okay. And actually, bloody well understandable considering I have left a lot out of my outline of what has happened in the past year or two.

So, what’s your point?

Yeah, sorry, I did warn you about the rambling.

My point is, we are all going through a rough time right now. For some of us, we are really feeling the pain of having the world turned upside down. Others may be going through what I have until recently, and just tried to get on with things, not realising that they are feeling crumby and probably need to stop and breathe.

When I started writing years ago, I set out to write about mental health. The good the bad and the things people never talk about.

And that’s what I decided to do today. I wanted to share with you lovelies that I have not been feeling great. I wanted to share that it has affected my writing, and I hate that.

Because I highly doubt that I am the only one experiencing such feelings and worries.

I will try my hardest to feel more like me again. I will try my hardest to write again, and get back on my feet. But if it takes a while, or if I slip, I am making a promise to myself that I won’t be angry at myself for it. I am only human.

I wanted to share that things have been feeling really shit. Not just for me, but for many of us. And that’s okay. Because you are allowed to feel like that. And it really is temporary, I promise you.

Your writing will recover. There are always people who want to read what you have to say. There will always be dedicated readers, and a new audience just around the corner.

So, this is a reminder to you. Breathe. This will pass. You will be okay. Be kind to yourself. And know, you are never alone.